By Ellen Snortland

Warning: This column contains a mix of truth, satire and fiction. Do not consume if you are experiencing shortness of breath, are pregnant or suspect you might be pregnant, or are irony and absurdity challenged.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Raise a glass to the most overwrought, phony-baloney commercialized “holiday” ever invented. The day is a setup for hearts, all right: broken hearts and heartache. Other than that, it’s peachy.

Speaking of phonies, Drumpf has been delivering valentines to the Kremlin regularly. Da, it’s true! Investigative journalist and author Craig Unger spills the borscht on the whole sordid scene in his new book, “American Kompromat: How the KGB Cultivated Donald Trump.” This is a follow-up to Unger’s 2018 book “House of Trump, House of Putin.”

Thanks to interviews with many people on the inside, including former KGB Maj. Yuri Shvets — or “Shvetty” as his New York friends like to call him after Alec Baldwin’s infamous sketch on SNL — we learn that Drumpf has been shvetting for 40 years! It would not be hyperbole to call Drumpf Putin’s sweetheart.

Head-scratching, I ponder, “What kind of anvil does Drumpf have hanging over the heads of some of his lackeys? What strings are attached? Why would they sell their souls to this Kremlin Kreep?” There’s ample, highly credible evidence that Putin has a sickle and hammer hanging over Drumpf. But what has Ted Cruz, Susan Collins, Devin Nunez, Kevin McCarthy and too many other sycophants to name in a short column dancing to marionette strings?

Teacher, I’m raising my hand! I know the answer — they’re controlled by Z, of ZAnon!

Z, their leader, uses QAnon as a colossal diversion, manipulating the “base” to believe in Q while those in power are actually following Z. Next time you’re around any Republican die-hard Drumpfers in the House or Senate, ask them to show you their armpits. They’ll refuse because it will give them away by showing they are part of the ZAnon cult, which itself is an offshoot of NXIVM (pronounced “Nexium”). If you don’t know what NXIVM is, consider yourself lucky.

Convicted sex trafficker and NXIVM cult leader Keith Raniere is currently serving 120 years in prison for, among other things, having a harem of sex slaves. These women were highly intelligent, privileged, and easy on the eyes — oh, did I mention they were all white? Raniere required they hold each other down to be branded with his initials, placed dangerously close to their private parts. What people do not know, until this exposé here in my column, is that Drumpf was the NXIVM leader in charge of Keith Raniere! Drumpf’s improvement on the crotch tattoo was to have selected Republicans hold each other down to receive their DLV armpit tattoos, the acronym for Donny Loves Vladimir.

ZAnon also requires that its believers adhere to the practice of projecting whatever they are doing onto the people they attack. When you hear the wretched congressional rep from Georgia, Rep. Loony Tunes Taylor, and she’s talking about Jewish Space Lasers, that means she’s actually aiming laser beams at various (in her words) “weak-minded” Republicans — those still showing a smidgen of being in touch with reality. She targets their prefrontal cortex to fry their reasoning abilities and send their moral compasses a-spinnin’. After her treatment, they won’t know right from wrong, fact from fiction, up from down, or Q from Z!

“YowZa” is the Z cult’s secret code word, which stands for You Owe Whiteness to ZAnon. They pit bump, but only if no one is looking.

QAnon was all a ruse. The conspiracy theory that Bill Gates, Dr. Fauci and the World Health Organization are spearheading COVID-19 vaccinations so they can implant trackers in all of us is way off. Thanks to Z, we’re already being tracked and have been for decades via the barcodes on those teeny-tiny stickers found on all our fruits and veggies. You can always turn down a vaccine, but you have to eat, right? Nice try, Z, but we’re on to you now!

Forget Gates and WHO: The actual cabal is Keith Raniere, Dr. Ben Carson and Oral Roberts University. They teamed up to implant chips in us through the food supply and everyday purchases. You know how Dr. Carson always had that “deer in the headlights” look whenever you saw him on TV during the Drumpf administration? That was due to him working day and night, examining the results of the brain chips to rope people into having sex with him, Drumpf, and the entire Board of Oral Roberts U. How do you think the late Rev. Roberts got his first name, huh? Ever thought about that?

I know these are all shocking revelations and not what you wanted for a valentine. But, as I said at the outset, Valentine’s Day has never been all it’s cracked up to be. So, pull up your big kid panties and listen to Z — she knows what’s best. YowZa!

Ellen Snortland has written “Consider This…” for a heckuva long time, and she also coaches first-time book authors! Contact her at ellen@beautybitesbeast.com.