By Ellen Snortland
Pasadena Weekly Columnist

Did you know there is an existing slave colony on Mars run by NASA and populated by kidnapped children? Every time I’ve gone to the Home Depot to pick up a few child slaves for toxic jobs, there are none.

Now I know why — they are on Mars. Thus goes the theory from Robert David Steele, the author of the kiddy slave heist, and propagated via Alex Jones’ weekly wack-a-doodle fest. Steele’s Wikipedia page claims that he is a “former clandestine CIA agent.” Hey, way to stay undercover, Steele. I imagine the CIA has an NDA or two that agents sign, but who’s standing on ceremony?

I have a few more juicy conspiracies I’ve unearthed that, if we’re lucky, will be picked up and spread around by various and plentiful paranoid nutjobs:

• Drumpf’s true heritage: The ex-president — nicknamed by Stephen Colbert’s fans variously as Eric’s Dad, the Traffic Cone of Treason and Girth Vader — is not really the offspring of his German immigrant grandparents, the Drumpfs. For decades he has hidden his actual heritage: Donald J. Drumpf is the love child of L. Ron Hubbard and Ayn Rand! Wake up, sheeple!

The evidence is right in front of our eyes: the reddish hair, the vast disregard for human empathy and autonomy, and a drive to make followers worship at his feet. Break it down, people! The name “Donald” means “world leader.” Drumpf’s mouth spouts like a Fountainhead of Garbage, and his most consistent reaction is a shrug as if he is a pudgy modern-day Atlas who is tired of sitting and watching television. He doesn’t traffic in children, but he does send the people who’ve died after attending his COVID-19 superspreader rallies to convert everyone on the planet Xenu, where Herman Cain leads the Drumpfers in chants of “Lock everyone up!”

• 5G Towers: The new 5G towers are actually powered by vast networks of gopher-run energy centers… it’s true! 5G stands for 5 Trillion Gophers. Think about it. Have you seen any gophers in your yard lately? You haven’t because they have all been snatched up by world domination-minded AT&T and Spectrum. These Gopher Overlords have also trained the rodents to squeal at such a high frequency that we are all subliminally bombarded with the message: “It’s all a conspiracy. There is nothing that is not a conspiracy,” over and over.

“What did you say?” you asked. I said, “It’s all a conspiracy!” You said, “I was thinking the same thing!” I said, “Me, too!” You said, “See!? It’s a conspiracy!” I said, “Yes, it’s all a conspiracy. There’s nothing that’s not a conspiracy.” You said, “Aren’t you listening? I just said that!” I said, “Yes, me, too!” This is discourse at its finest, and all the result of the 5G towers.

• Chemtrails: In one of the most insulting lawsuits of all time, my cousin Ole was sued for attempting to sell hazmat suits to people who promulgate the chemtrails conspiracy. “I figured if there are so many people afraid of chemtrails, they should never go outside without protection. I guess my marketing slogan, ‘They are like condoms for your whole body,’ pushed a few buttons. I was sued by Trojan. I lost my shirt… along with the rest of my chemtrail suits.” And then he added, “Just think how many COVID infections we could have prevented if my chemtrail protection garments had taken off. I mean, not taken off, but worn… Oh, gee, you know what I mean.” Poor Ole was on to something. Chemtrails are not only poisonous but full of COVID-19, including all of the variants. I’m talking not just Delta and Lambda but Chi Omega and Psi Upsilon.

The discovery of the chemtrails conspiracy started in South Dakota by the young Kristi Noem, many years before her ascendency to the South Dakota governor’s office. Kristi won South Dakota Snow Queen in 1990, with her talent entry being single-handedly busting two dozen teenaged marijuana smokers and having her boyfriend videotape the busts. Go, Kristi! Now, as governor, she’s a leader in anti-masking (and anti-chemtrail suits!) and is eager to have everyone in South Dakota be infected so that she can take over South Dakota and declare herself an actual Queen. Way to go, oh, daughter of Norwegian immigrants!

So many conspiracies, so little time. Here are two more you can savor, an amuse-bouche of dastardly plots:

• Betsy DeVos was seen at the 1914 assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, where his wife Sophie, Duchess of Hohenberg, was also gunned down. DeVos, masquerading all these years as a contemporary woman, is actually a Serbian born in 1880, which can be gleaned from her views on education and reproduction.

• Mike Pence is the video director of the original Drumpf inauguration, which was actually shot on the backlot of Warner Bros. studios. This was based on how Stanley Kubrick directed the footage of the supposed moon landing. The list goes on.

Meanwhile, those poor little children toil away on the surface of Mars, waiting for us to join them.

Ellen Snortland has written “Consider This…” for a heckuva long time, and she also coaches first-time book authors! Contact her at ellen@beautybitesbeast.com.