An A-to-Z guide of libations for those drunk on power
By Ellen Snortland 11/11/2010
Every campaign season I’m reminded just how ludicrous it is to have only two major political parties in a country as diverse as ours. Then that reminder — not unlike a cast-iron anvil bonking me on the head — underscores our desperate need to get campaigns out of the hands of big money.
We need spending limits, public finance laws, reliable information on who really is behind what proposition, and access to equal time on media outlets. Would that ever open up the political process! We’d see most of us picking parties that are, er, more our cup of tea, if you’ll pardon the expression.
Why should the Tea Party have all the fun? Besides, the tea comes in all sorts of varieties: hyper-caffeinated, herbal, etc. The truth is, there are lots of beverages out there to choose from, and given my Norwegian background it’s completely congruent for me to offer the following alphabetical smorgasbord of new political party ideas:
- Aperitifs: These people are great at starting things but not so hot at finishing; by the time they get to the end, they’re so drunk they forgot what they started.
- Beef Bouillons: All they care about is bull markets and stocks. “Steer” clear of these bullies if you are into altruism.
- Coffees: They feel traditional Democrats are too acidic, giving them grounds for a divorce.
- Dragons: This is short for the “Green Dragon” party, named for a powerful marijuana drink. Suffice to say that if you drink “Green Dragon,” you might not really care who’s in office.
- Effervescents: These folks are so bubbly they just can’t wait to toast and cheer whoever wins! Champagne, anyone?
- Fruit Smoothies: Their primary agenda is the civil rights of all of us who have felt marginalized regarding gender and sexual preference.
- Grape Juice of Wrath: Farm workers, labor organizers and survivors of the Depression team up with the Fruit Smoothies for a powerful coalition of folks devoted to social justice and anti-oxidants.
- Hot Chocolates: Mostly into staying in their jammies and cuddling, their platform has a marshmallow on top.
- Iced Teas: These are disaffected former hot Tea Partiers who actually know how to read, and learned that Barack Obama has an American birth certificate after all.
- Jelly Jars: This is the radical recycler party. They are against matched tableware and promote “Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without” as their platform.
- Kombucha Tea Party: These folks don’t know if they work or not, but they swear that Kombucha opens them up to the mysteries of life. Or do they?
- Lactation League: Bottle-fed politicians should never look for an endorsement from these suckers.
- Martinis: I find their policies … stirring. The party recently split into two factions: the Gins and the Vodkas.
- Naturals: They don’t care what they drink and are proud their platform has evolved organically.
- Olive and Pickle Juice Drinkers: These are very sneaky people, although you can smell them coming. The party also has an inordinate amount of pregnant women.
- Punch: These folks are dangerous. They’d rather punch you than talk to you.
- Queen’s Tea: The exact opposite of the Tea Party, the Queen’s Tea wants to tax everyone for everything, including the little cucumber sandwiches served every day at 4 p.m.
- Rummies: They want to restore prohibition because, damn, those were the good ol’ days when a bathtub of gin could make you a lot of money!
- Scotches: These folks hang out with the Beef Bouillons when they’re not playing golf.
- Tap Waters: Very apt to be mixed up with the Fruit Smoothies and Grapes Juice of Wrath.
- The “U” Party: U make your own damn drink and vote for whomever U see fit.
- Vegans: These folks have a hard time finding things they are even able to drink, let alone eat.
- Winos: When we tried to interview them about their views, we couldn’t wake them up.
- Xs: These are the write-in advocates.
- Yak Butter Teas: Basically, the Yak drinkers can’t stop talking and have very shiny lips.
- Zero Calories: These are political lightweights and highly concerned with not being heavy about anything. Of course, the really progressive countries have a “none of the above” option.
Ellen Snortland is a leader in the self-defense movement and coaches writers. snortland.com